Mumbaikars Bowels Scheduled – BMC Study

A BMC (Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation) study has recently concluded that because of the high pollution levels in the city, the bowels of Mumbaikars have been scheduled so that they are completely inactive during the night. Based on this study BMC has decided to keep the public toilets closed in the night.

My pals who are not from Mumbai have decided to challenge this decision and file a PIL against BMC for discriminating against Mumbaikars & non-Mumbaikars. This comes after they had suffered the agony of practicing Yoga (stretching your bowels to the limit is Yoga, isn’t it?!?) at 12 in the night as no Public Loo was open. Goes without saying, they followed what Shakespeare would have said if he was alive today, “the world is a toilet”.

Kudos Raj Thackeray!

Talking about MNS and Raj Thackeray, they really have been able to achieve success in very short period of time. Their efforts of trying to create a divide and give rise to tensions between Marathi and UP-Bihari community really seems to be paying off.

I just want to recollect a couple of incident that happened a few days back. I was travelling in a Mumbai Local Train from Andheri to Kandivili. A Marathi while boarding the train at Andheri got a little nudge from a UP-Bihari guy. It was nothing really, anyone who has travelled in the crushing Mumbai local trains know that you will inevitably get pushed around. Anyways, the Marathi guy reacted angrily and used a racial slur saying bhaiya hai kya gan**. Well, the guy who nudged the Marathi was a bihari/bhaiya and he had at least five more bihairis with him. Obviously, they didn’t take the slur too nicely and came up with “bihari” poetry – ma******, behen****, etc, etc. The Marathi then threatened to hit them. To which all the biharis rounded the Marathi and challenged him to hit them – maar na, maar na. The saga continued till the next station where the biharis forcefully pushed the Marathi out of the train.

Another more recent incident involved a bus driver and an auto-rickshaw driver. A UP-Bihari auto driver was hurled by a huge repertoire of Marathi abuse at a traffic signal by a Marathi bus driver. The auto drivers fault was that he had overtaken the bus and came and parked his auto in front of the bus at the traffic signal.

Hats off to Raj Thackeray, for he has achieved something that the Indian economy has not been able to achieve in 60 years – reaching out to the people at the bottom of the pyramid. Makes you wonder, only if these influential politicians guide their efforts in the right direction.

The TV and The BE(a)ST

Mumbaikars have a new thing to boast off in their ever-growing list of super-non-achievements. Public Transport Buses in Mumbai, run by BEST, now have 2 LCD TVs installed for the commuters’ pleasure in every single of 3100 buses in the city. Officially, these TVs have been installed for running ads. Unofficially, these ads are run by the noncontroversial Shiv Sena to counter the growing influence of the even-more-noncontroversial MNS party. How do they do it, you ask? Well, the TV runs a healthy mix of z-grade UP/Bihari & Marathi ads to strengthen the unity between these communities and hence countering the valiant efforts of MNS to ignite tension between the communities. Poor new channels, soon they are going to run out of one source of their daily “Breaking News”.

But, in all this good work by BEST and its associates, they have forgotten one very important aspect – “the commuters”. Mumbai bus travellers, like anywhere else in our country, have to squeeze into buses. Their mental agony is doubled – no, tripled – no, quadrupled thanks to the initiative taken by the BEST. Let’s see how the TVs make a journey truly ‘exciting’.

It all starts with an ad for a Marathi Reality Show on Dance (how innovative!). People of all ages compete 1-against-1 in this dance competition. This show follows one simple & common rule – you suck, I suck. Brilliant start.

Next up is the biggest sensation in Madhubani & Sunderban film industry – Nimo (or is it Mimo, whatever) Chakravarthy, son of the greatest dancer in Nilgiri Mountains – Mithun da. Promos of his debut film “Jimmy” (in which Mimo transforms into a dog – not too tough for his looks) simply take your breath away. You actually stick your head out of the window to suck air – and those who can’t simply go brain-dead after seeing a ghastly dog break-dancing.

Things couldn’t be worse. So to relieve you of your ‘pleasure’, TV starts running an item-number from one of those really comedy-types movie called “Dhoom Dhadaka”. Finally, all the men have something to cheer for, a skimpily dressed women gyrating and giving Shilpa Shetty a run for her money. But, soon the men realise that all the ladies are staring at them repellingly. So they turn their heads away from the TVs but still now and then try to sneak a peek of the item-girl.

Finally, the audience/commuters are treated to the real, the definite z-category UP-Bihari masala. The one-and-only Prabhu Chawla, of the Seedhi Baat fame, appears on TV with promos of his uber-cool show on his uber-cool channel, Aaj Tak. He still uses that trademark hand-motion of his which became a national phenomenon.

Eventually, you feel enough is enough and decide not to watch that real idiot-box again, only to get tempted in seeing the whole ad-opera all over again. Credit should be given where its due and you have to commend BEST for turning buses into torture-torium. An impossible job made to look so easy.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the only positive aspect of it all – the volume is turned ‘mute’, so that you are not disturbed from listening to the sound of Mumbai-traffic-music. Enjoy your ride.